Letting Go of Goals
I’m writing this on January 16, 2021 at around 4 in the afternoon. We’re about halfway through the month, the moon is presently in waxing crescent, and I feel like all of what I started this year with, all of my visioning, has been shaken up, deconstructed, and now I’m on this path of re-assembly or rather, starting new. Change is terrifying, though I know that sometimes we have to destroy in order to begin again. So here I am.
This new moon (~January 12), I made a promise to, for the next 28 days:
- Not look at my phone or computer from 8 p.m. to 8 a.m. (Exception: I allow myself to use a device for a guided yoga practice or meditation past these hours)
- Abstain from Twitter, Instagram, and Youtube
- Enjoy the spaces between life’s moments that I once filled with a screen
- Take work one day at time
These promises aligned well with my overall journey through minimalism — subtracting things in my life until I find peace with what remains. My intention behind subtracting some of these items was to understand what I was feeling in all of those in-between moments. I noticed that I liked to numb and distract myself from sitting with whatever arose. So, in subtracting some of my participation in the digital world, I had hoped to turn inward — seeking some insight and relief from the anxiety I experience most of the time.
To accompany my list of intentions, I pulled the “Judgement” card from my Tarot deck to provide additional guidance on the spiritual front. This card means reconciliation and a release of the past. I was curious — what exactly was I going to release this month?
All was progressing along swell until it didn’t. I reached a breaking point this past Thursday where after work I just stopped, paralyzed, my mind lost in a whirlwind of worries related to my job. I felt trapped in my mind and my body didn’t want to move at all. I was looking with frustration at my self-care tracker — feeling disappointed I hadn’t followed it precisely, like this meant I was giving up on myself. I was angry at myself for working through my lunch hour, too. Just overall feeling hopelessly stuck and like I had failed myself in a significant way.
I took a hot bath for about 1 hour, sitting motionless, and then proceeded to lie motionless as well on our bed afterward until my husband acquired some food. After dinner we talked and then it started to come out. The tears providing the truth.
I had this realization that the “me” I wanted to become may not be possible. I set goals and always fall short, and then proceed to beat myself up for my lack of will power. I entertained the thought that maybe I needed to let go of having goals at all. A little note here — I had started reading The Effortless Life by Leo Babauta and came to his section on not setting goals. I thought the concept was so ridiculous, I practically thew the book across the room. How dare someone suggest I stop setting goals? That I should abandon this process of working towards something? Oh Leo. I realized he was on to something and my beautiful, intelligent body was trying to help me get there.
I regularly think about quitting teaching because it is very stressful, but I had come to the understanding it is not teaching that is my demon — it is my unrealistically high expectations I set for myself. No matter what work I do in life, or what personal goal I set my mind to, I always achieve less than I strive for. I am never enough. This is the kind of demon that I know would follow me everywhere…so sticking with teaching for a little bit, I endeavoured to sort this out a little more.
And here was my moment as I tore up my self-care checklist and just did what I wanted to — and that was, watch 2.5 hours of New Girl until I got up to cry a bit more.
I felt better the next day. A bit more integrated. I still felt good about my monetary goals for this month. The process of really considering carefully where I spend my money was yielding good results. But…my self-care tracker had to go. The healthiest thing for me to do was to instead of making a plan, chasing this “ideal” self-care schedule which really doesn’t exist, was to really pay attention to how I felt in any given moment and go with what feels right to care for myself.
Relief. It is scary to let go of a system of goal setting and achievement that has been ingrained in you since as far as you can remember — that you further perpetuate without realizing in your role as an elementary school teacher.
I am terrified. Thank you Leo, and thank you to a friend of my husbands for lending me the book.
